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αяσσηανHello....welcome to my little hideout... if you love music....love life...love nature...then I guess you will love to know me. I am an open book.... |
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Hi friend....I thank you for visiting my space. Please drop a comment, i request you.
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September 12 yes..so...!!hi. many months have passed since i wrote my last blog here. and today am really feeling uncomfortable to write..lol. the habit is gone...words are not coming outta my head.
well...lemme explain the reason why i've been away. a few montsh back...i hated my life, was scared about my future and hated my present. and out of those depressions i used to write, coz i needed to throw those thoughts outta my mind, though not obvious from my blogs, but some of my friends know. The scene slowly changed...not entirely. now also....i hate my life a little bit, scared about my future...but love my present. and its due to that only i didn't feel like having anyting that needs to be thrown out of my mind to paper. i gotta new job...and like everyone, i was also excited..i still m. and i am too busy proving myself there, trying to fit in there, trying to make myself understand that this is what i should be doing, i should take it as my aim in life and try to excel.
a job changes a lot of things...changes the plans one made for his life once when he was studying. changes his way of thinking, changes behavior, lifestyle etc. maybe not for the brilliant guys or the people from big colleges who stay the same coz they get what they wanted...academically. but for a guy like me, who wanted a job right after his college, life is circling around it. i know i have to be good here, or my future is black. and i am happy, coz i am working in a field where i have interest and i am doing good. my present is good now, and future....uncertain. i still can't see my future. i believe i am the most confused man of all.
writing here really works, gives some relief. and now...things are coming to my mind. lol...but those are from different topics. so...maybe some other day.
and ya... i have again met someone with same thinking as mine. i said again coz most of my friends whom i treat as good friends have kinda same thinking like me. but with everyone i can't discuss everything, i need to stay within boundary. maybe its the reason people treat me as their good friend, coz i try to stay within limit, say what they like, agree to what they say, hear their problems. But with that newly met person, i don't see any boundary and thats the beauty of it. i say anyting and hear anything from that person. and due to that, the communication never reaches a dull or silent moment. if something hurts, we say clearly. we encourage each other, compliment each other and we have so many absolutely opposite likings(lol). i wish every friendship becomes like this. but still..everything is fine ....and thats another reason why i am happy about my present.
so...ciao... July 05 Someday I'll be Saturday night...Sometimes... Saturday also becomes a lucky day when one feels happy waiting for it to start...ask me...and i think this year....the saturday of 5th july 2008..its really lucky for me. The reason being...i will take the next step towards my death but happily..with a hope...with a view of my new way of life, new excitement of joining a new community, learning new things and expand my professional traits.
On 3rd July....at 9:30 pm...i had a smile on my lips looking at the offer letter. i was so happy that i wanted to yell loud. I found myself in seventh heaven. And so..i thought of sharing my feelings here, its like the second diary to me..
I am feeling myself coming back to life.. i feel i can now restore my normal nature. I was so close to face a nervous breakdown...lol...now I think I was crazy..those times were crazy. Now I realize that after many days of misery when a little ray of hope is seen, it gives more happiness than all the good things that happen to us everyday. The small small good things give us the motivation to move forward but the ray of hope I am talking about energises our mind and soul, and in effect.. makes us believe in ourselves.
so...then came yesterday...4th July...its US Independence Day....and along with the people of US, I also celebrated the same in a different manner. I freed myself from this US company...submitted my resignation. somewhere deep inside me..i felt the urgency to celebrate.
Ohhh..one hour has passed already..its 1 am now... Happy Birthday Aroonav..hope this would be a memorable birthday as the present ungently required came just at the right time...a day early...
May 23 Thanksgiving
A very very good friend of mine has written her first blog here on live space...and started it with a thanksgiving to me. I have been thanked uncountable times in my life....but this is different..this is in written, online and would stay there visible as long as msn.com is running. So in this blog i wanna tell you about the feeling i get when i am thanked this way. Its always a feeling beyond imagination when you see that what you say is keenly listened and followed, what you suggest is seriously taken and applied, and what you follow is appreciated. She used to ask my live space url to read my blogs,many times and say that one day i will see her page also. And she has done that. And in the first blog post she has started her blog writing business with, I have my name in bold. Its a single sentenced, friendly and meaningless blog to everyone who knows and does not know me; but for me... these words are words of encouragements, that say I am worth something, my thinking is not a waste. well, this piece certainly was not worth reading for you right? But I am happy i wrote it.... after all its my wardrobe.
May 19 The Advantage of condolencewell....lets start with the last word of the title...condolence... the wordweb(a desktop dictionary) says "An expression of sympathy with another's grief". Though the word sympathy sound like something awkward...coz no one likes to have sympathy from others but condolence sometime works...brings temporary happiness to the receiver. Now...the advantage of condolence.... I have refrained myself from giving this live space link to everyone, coz I am changed(I have already detailed bout this in another blog) and now I believe everyone should not be disturbed by me. But then, I have a college friend who understands me like no one else, and also... my blogs have fetched me with friends to whom I can share my feelings. And these people in return, helps me to get some relief. I am very grateful to them, coz they try to make me believe that the world still have so much to offer me. And I could see their expressions of warmheartedness. This world is nothing without friends. The things which I could never say to my parents, I can tell in detail to my good friends. And yes, its a relation which lasts forever if lying is not practiced. I am so lucky to have these small batch of friends, some personally and some textually known who helps me get rid of my stress for a period. And believe me.... its so solacing that my worries get brushed aside the very moment I see and hear their words. Isn't this amazing?..indeed it is... a word of encouragement is far more precious than any expensive tangible thing, and works best to charge up oneself. I know, I am wrong to say that its condolence, but that is the literal meaning to express this I guess. So.. to them.. i would like to say that you are making my world an easier place to live. Thanks for being there and advising me. May 15 wretchedness in everythingLet me start with an universal saying that goes "God helps those who help themselves". is that always true? I think it means if one is doing all the hardwork....he is sure to get success...one day. So....there is no role of God here..he just gets the credit for everything that the person does for his achievements. I am a believer in God...but sometime I feel that God has always ignored me... infact most of the time I feel like that. May be I should not blame God for all my misery... but isn't this true that God has been giving me directions to move forward?..propelling me to do the things I am doing? Its confusing... seriously.. I feel vertigo. I just can't wait to see my dreams come too. May be I am moving a little slower and expecting the things to come faster...but thats what I am..a dreamer who dreams big. I am trying all that i can but the hindrance always exists which confounds me about how to move on. and i think its God who is doing all this. Sometimes i think.... for what I am doing all this..why I am working far far away from home? ... to have a happy day end?....a good nights sleep? and I forget...actually find no time out of weariness...to call home. I thank God for giving me such parents who are so supportive...but at the same time I feel that I am doing injustice to them. I have always been away from them...used all their money to build my career and now stuck in a job which offers me no free time for the people I owe everything to. May 07 The punishment for being true...I have always felt that for every truth I speak...no matter how much I get satisfaction afterwards.....I am punished. I have felt this way...i have been experiencing all the way.
I just cannot lie sometime....and specially to friends. To my parents, i have been telling lies ever since i knew what is a lie, I have lied to them about my bad habits, to ask money I have told them lots of fake stories. And for all those ...I was always rewarded. When I used to tell them that I have got good marks, which is a lie.... I could visualize their happy faces. I always wanted to make my parents proud of me and make them happy....and so....all the lies I had to say, and still doing.
Being true and telling the truth never earned me any satisfaction...or... happiness. I always carry that book of script with me which is full of all the dialogues that i have to say, according to the kind of person I am in touch with.
But that is something aweful according to me. So friends..if I die as a good friend of you....believe me that I have been truthfull...always to you. And its not for the sake of keeping your friendship... its because I always face myself when I am alone. April 12 hmmmmIts 7 am here, now u must be guessing i have woke up early but its not... I will go to sleep after two hours. I am sitting at my desk.. and wondering what to write. There were times when I used to gaze at the stars wondering how beautifully they are arrenged... the sky would be so empty and lifeless without them. A sky without starts won't be called a sky...I wanted to travel...near that brightest star. Once my grandfather said that, when people die..they become stars....if we look closely and concentrate we can see them. Sitting on his lap, we both used to look at the sky. And after he left this world..I spent hours detecting the newest star in the sky and I still can tell you its location....coz its him..looking at me...walking with me to every place I go. He was and still my role model. Thats the power of the sky....its gives inspiration, hope and teaches me at every step. The change that's changing everything....Am I changed?...I sometime ask myself.... i think i am... I am a different person now. And I think everyone changes, maybe its due to change of time, change of environment,change of culture, change of people. For me... the change is due to change in all these above factors. I was a college student till last year.. i was free...without any worries. And now, I am free from college but trapped in the big world. I don't have enough time to have an evening adda, or even meet friends. My routine, my lifestyle has totally changed and I believe that was a change which meant to stay permanent. But I am loving it.i have no choice but to adapt to it. Now, everyday I woke up at afternoon and prepare myself for the night....and wait desparately for the weekends. I believe in the saying that "out of sight, out of mind", but still, there are some friends who are close to me and will be forever. Maybe we don't see each other...but we trust each other, and I feel very happy that they trust me to tell their deepest secrets believing that it will always remain a secret. These people feel that I have not changed. I am now a selfish guy..thats another change in me. Gone are those days when I was always ready for fun... leave everything and rush to help. I have turned into something mechanical..my life is saturated now with all the regular things. the world is a dynamic environment....and thats the reason I am not regretting anything. April 11 Robert Frost - The Road Not TakenTwo roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair
And both that morning equally lay
I shall be telling this with a sigh April 09 ConfessionI'm just a dreamer I dream my life away I'm just a dreamer Who dreams of better days "dreamer" by Ozzy Osbourne..fits me... April 08 Alone in the Dark... The darkness gives me lot of hopes, plans, depressions, ambitions, ideas, stories, etc....there is no end to this list. I try to run away from darkness but end up being the pray. I hear my inner music in the darkness, the music which soothes me and brings me to life, the music which takes me away from myself and I feel like flying freely over the beautiful world. I remember all my happy memories and the good old days when I used to have fun all the time and thought that my life will always be beautiful.The satisfaction that I get.....I cannot express here just by writing. But this darkness exposes all my wounds and bring back the memories that I 've forgot or trying to forget. My past mistakes, my past regrets suddenly come in front of me and I wish from the God for a chance to live my life again and correct those. The God has always played silly games with me, many a times I have missed success by an inch. I hate to recall those but I know that now they all are part of me and I will always have to live with those. I make lot of promises to myself in the dark, some of which just fade away in light but some stay and I am trying to keep those. Its in the darkness where I prepare myself for the next day, for the next phase and for the next event. April 05 happiness Happiness is everywhere, everywhere around.... in every little thing, in every little step of life. Once people develops that third eye which can see that small small or tiny wonders of his world.... the happiness is a things that he will feel is the most common sight of all. I find happiness in small small things, I seek happiness in small small things. Sometimes when I reach home after a busy and tiring day at work and listen to the Def Leppard number called "have you ever needed someone so bad" on my headphone, I feel very happy. I am happy...... ~ when I am praised for my work. ~ when I am troubled by my friends for small small issues. ~ when someone asks me for help. ~ when I call my mom and tell her my day to day events. ~ when I am alone, no friends around and I visit my dreamland. ~ when I reach office and someone tells me ..."hey, that's a matching tie". ~ when someone thanks me. ~ when I reach out for something impossible and see that I am 10% done. ~ when I do shopping, maybe its just a pair of socks. ~ when I get salary.... gosh.. it makes me the happiest. ~ when I offer my company's gatekeeper the matchbox and he is surprised, coz generally I ask from him. ~ when I get an sms from a friend that says "call me back". ~ when I am trusted. ~When the reader of this blog or the visitor of my space drops a comment. So, these are some of my happiness reasons..small small reasons. April 02 LifeI always think ... what i don't have, what is the thing that haunts me and disturbs me every time and everyday. I have discovered, and the answer is life.. yes, i don't have a life. Want to know what's my view of life? well, I guess i am not the only one to have such feelings but I really do have a different definition of life. I think a person has a life when he has the ability to influence other's lives, ability to change other's lives...positively. Whenever i see poor people i feel lucky, thank god i was born in a family which still is not dependent on me.. but at the same time I feel I am unlucky coz I look into their eyes and see that they are asking for something from me, asking for help. Here, everything I am telling refers only to money. The day I start to have loads of money, I am going start with changing the life of the first poor fella I know, and thats me. Well, I am very ambitious, but at times I get too frustrated and helpless to move forward. Maybe the lack of life demotivates me to go and try for a life. Sometimes I want to shout out laud, sometimes i feel like deleting all my internet accounts..all mail ids, get a new phone number and stay away from all my friends; i am possibly going to do that..soon, because I think that will help me. But then again i think that running away from the world won't be peaceful. I am facing my doomsday, I will perish as a loser who could not prove the Darwin's theory.... the nowhereland where I liveDreams...this little six letter word is too powerful, too smart. And if you are still unaware of its power, ask me.... I am ruled by this word.
Yes, I am a dreamer.. and most of the dreaming I do with my eyes open. Here I am going to tell you how far the dreams have taken me and where they have dropped me. Everyday I wake up to experience the same old boring life I have. I talk less with people unless they are my friends. I don't tell my stories to anyone because I think they are way too boring, and I realize no one has so much time for me. But I tell everything to the ruler of my mind ... who manages my dreams and that ruler makes a perfect plan to make my day. Sometimes I feel that dream is the word someone invented keeping in mind that someday I will be born to use it the most. ohh.. I am so predictable.
I know dreams will always be dreams unless I do something to make them come true, but if we talk about my dreams, they are something which i guess, no matter what I do.. I am going to find a hard time making them come true. This dreamland where I stay .. I am always alone there, I bring no one with me..coz in dreams also I make sure that I disturb no one.
The people who know me know what I want..coz I am always an open book and I tell everything to almost everyone. Now this is confusing I guess, I have already stated that I talk less with people and I don't tell my stories to anyone. Actually what I mean is, well, I am short of words, people who know me..they know me almost completely, they still don't know the dreamer in me who has some other feelings which come out when I am alone or under influence.
Now, let me try to tell you how I acquired this split personality disorder. I have always been a good observer and whenever i observe things that i have no capacity of doing, that used to depress me. Slowly slowly the observations piled up and my mind generated and idea to dispose them. And thats how dreams became an integral part of me. Sometimes I have my dinner at the top of Eiffel Tower when i find that there is nothing to cook and have no money to pay the retaurent bill. well, that was just to make this blog a little easy to digest. Actually in my dreams I am the most successful and happy man the God has ever created. I thought earlier to write all my dreamsbut now cutting those off.
I love dreaming .. and I dream big. I don't care whether one day they will come true or not, but yes.. its the dreams which are keeping me alive and happy for sure. March 07 the reason hotmail is hot in my life nowThe life has lot to offer...as the days pass by we see new things happening to us. And here i am writing what life has lately offered me.
I created this hotmail id a log ago but was not regularly using it.....have all the reasons. But all of a sudden things changed....now its hotmail only i keep refreshing every minute, forget about visiting every day.
I love meeting new people, knowing new things, making new friends. This is probably the reason i got so addicted to the chatroom in AK. And there only i met some people who are genuine by heart and have similar nature. Surprisingly one of those new friends have become so close and special that now its the hotmail that is hot in my everyday life. Sounds funny but yes, its all true. I never imagined that someone will trust as a friend just after some chatting sessions and would evetually call me and frequently mail me. All i can say is that i feel good about it.
So thats all....my latest experience from life. The name is not the big thing..so i am not going to mention it. |
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